The other day we were on a family video chat with our kids and their spouses, and as I’m sure happens in discussions with families across the nation, the conversation turned to “What do you want your funeral to be like?” (What can I say…we have a collective dark side to our humor).
When it came to my turn I said, I truly only desire four things for my funeral.
Cremation
I want to be cremated because at that point, I’m in God’s hands and my body will only become so much compost, so why waste the space on a plot of land? Instead, cremate me, scatter my ashes in a small, family gathering someplace that you know, when I was alive, made me smile and brought me peace (though I think Chuck E. Cheese might have some restrictions on such things…better check first).
Purchase and plant some trees in my memory or perhaps fund a park bench in an arboretum, but bottom line? Don’t waste anything on an 8’ x 2.5” plot of land.
Celebration of Life Program
I truly mean this!
Hold a “Celebration of Life” gathering for me – I’m fine with that (though, don’t be disappointed at the low attendance). However, for those who do show up, I want it to be a celebration in the truest sense of the word.
I want people to share stories that make them laugh because, though passionate about many things, most anyone will agree that I loved to laugh with people. So, tell stories and laugh a lot. In fact, I want it to be the opposite of most funerals. At most funerals, it is inappropriate to laugh. I want mine to be that it would be inappropriate to NOT laugh – that the one NOT laughing is the odd ball!
To set the tone, I want classic jazz played as background music, culminating in “You Make Me Feel So Young” before the sharing begins. Also, don’t have a message from a Pastor that is somber. Find me a Pastor that “gets it.” I have a few names in mind, but if you know me, you know who they are and, assuming they are still alive, call ‘em up out of retirement for one last hurrah!
When it comes to sharing, I spent most of my vocational life teaching, preaching, presenting and public speaking, so don’t let people ramble. I mean it! I want a 2:00 minute clock clearly displayed and if they can’t keep it to two minutes, unlike one of our last Presidential Debates, I want the microphone cut off and the Pastor to, with civility, but gentle firmness, move them on.
And for the Benediction? I want the musician to play “Pop Goes the Weasel,” (I’ve provided the sheet music here) pausing dramatically before the “Pop!” note. Then, after a long pause in which the Pastor appears to be anticipating something, suddenly say “Todd? Wherever you are, I hope that worked.”
Celebration Party
Then I want the gathered to be dismissed to a venue where there will be food, an open bar and band for dancing.
I’m not kidding here!
I want people to eat, drink, and be merry; celebrating and dancing together! And, if you’re uncomfortable dancing, then it’s a cash bar for you!
I will leave money in my estate to pay for this, but I want people dancing, laughing, celebrating and having a good time – that in the “loss” I want people to know that I, in fact, have gained it all and am dancing like crazy, so they should as well (and I’m a realist, so make sure there are funds available to pay for rides home for those that celebrated a bit too much – no need for them to rush to join me)!
Then, at some point in the evening, in deference to my Czech heritage, everyone has to polka – or at the very least try to learn to polka. I want a dance floor crowded with the “expert” polka dancers helping the “never-polkaed” dancers! I want someone recording this and put it up on FaithMutt.com at some point as an example of how to celebrate someone’s life because I will be quite alive in your joy!
Read This
Then, before everyone gets ready for the final song by the band (which should be “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole where my daughters and sons-in-law take turns dancing with Sheryl), I want this read:
“When I die, give what’s left of me away
To children and the old that wait to die.
Cry for your brother or sister walking the street beside you.
And when you need me, put your arms around anyone
And give them what you need to give me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I’ve known or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live in your eyes and not in your mind.
You can love me best by letting hands touch hands,
And letting go of children that need to be free.
Love doesn’t die, people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
Give me away.”
When I die, if someone asks, “What would Todd want?” I just gave you the blueprint and made it public so that there will be no doubt.
Here’s the link to the Nat King Cole version of “Unforgettable” that I’d like played: